


there is a light and it never goes out

by la_muerta



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Bondage, Closeted Character, Developing Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Gangbang, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Idiots in Love, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, Orgy, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Sex Club, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-05-28 12:12:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15048767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/la_muerta/pseuds/la_muerta
Summary: Alec meets Magnus at a sex club.You should probably know upfront that this story might not go quite the way you expect it to.(Or, Alec knows he has made some pretty shitty life choices in his time, but agreeing to go to sex clubs with Magnus, "just as friends", might actually take the cake.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> a.k.a. the slow burn, angsty, unsexy sex club meet-cute. You have been warned ;)
> 
> Title is from a song by The Smiths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Take me out tonight_   
>  _Where there's music and there's people_   
>  _And they're young and alive_   
>  _Driving in your car_   
>  _I never never want to go home_   
>  _Because I haven't got one_   
>  _Anymore_

 

 

The room is dimly lit, and smells of disinfectant and sex. It's warm enough that he's not going to catch a cold from being naked for a few hours, and cool enough that when the activities in the club are in full swing and the place is teeming with naked bodies engaged in vigorous activity it won't get too stifling. Alec's play-partner Mike taps him on the shoulder to check in with him, and Alec manages to give him a thumbs-up despite his limited range of movement; then Alec screws his eyes shut and tries to relax around the lubed fingers opening him up and getting him ready for his first dick of the night. It hurts a bit - the first one usually does - but Alec knows from experience that after a while it all blends together as the night goes on, flesh slapping against flesh, latex-wrapped cocks invading his ass and mouth, and hands pulling his hair and pinching his nipples as they line up for a turn. The night has only just started, and Alec Lightwood is already bored out of his mind.

He is tall, broad, and conventionally good-looking, and having someone like him spread out and helpless tends to bring out the worst in people - the men who line up to fuck him are usually pretty rough with him, and they all want to come on his face (they're not allowed to, because Alec isn't that stupid and having spunk in his eyes is not his idea of a good time). 

It started out as a desperate idea that if he had enough sex with random men, he'd get it out of his system, and he'd be able to go through the rest of his life in the closet. But as time went by he'd only gotten more frustrated, both with his father and with himself, and just so _angry_ at everything. The satisfaction he'd gotten from the initial physical stimulation and the thrill of doing something forbidden has long faded - now all he has is the anger and frustration that it's never enough, and will never _be_ enough, because he can never have what he really wants. 

But Alec still goes to the sex club once every fortnight to let himself be put in the stocks, his head and hands kept in place for those who want to ram their cocks down his throat or use his hands for handjobs, and his ankles forced apart with a spreader bar so strangers can fuck his ass. He always chooses to be gagged, so he won't be expected to talk or do anything else than just go limp and take it. He does it just because he can. He does it because going into the office and sitting through meetings with the conservative, bigoted people his father prefers doing business with is only made bearable because his ass and jaw are hurting like hell from letting a dozen strangers fuck him. He does it because it would give Robert Lightwood an aneurysm if he ever found out, and a part of Alec lives in hope for the day that one of his father's business associates walks in and recognises Alec as the pretty fucktoy he'd fucked in the sex club the night before. 

Truth be told, Mike is not so much Alec's dom than his handler. Alec picked him because he's big enough to be intimidating and strong enough to pull any guy off Alec if the situation calls for it. He's also pretty meticulous about making sure every guy who participates in the gangbang wears a condom, even for the blowjobs, which is all Alec is really concerned about. Alec isn't interested in the "aftercare", doesn't want that at all - after all, it'd just be a hollow gesture because whatever is between them is more like a business arrangement than a relationship. But Alec thinks Mike is reliable enough to keep him safe, and if he has to give Mike a blowjob or let him fuck him every now and then to make this work for both of them, Alec doesn't mind. 

Alec grunts and tries to relax when the next dick enters him - he's already pretty loose from the number of dicks he's taken tonight, and there's plenty of lube around to keep him slick, but he's so sore that it's really more pain than pleasure now. He isn't even hard anymore, doesn't even feel like he wants or needs to come at this point. Besides, most of these guys probably couldn't find his prostate even if he marked it out with a neon billboard. Mike has chosen to give Alec a spider gag tonight, and all the spindly metal legs sticking out his mouth seem to be putting people off fucking his mouth, so Alec has an unobstructed view of the rest of the room today. 

When _he_ walks in, Alec surprises himself by discovering that there's still a part of him capable of wanting something for himself.  

He is beautiful - tanned golden skin, abs that go on for days, biceps thicker than the thighs of some of the guys in this room. Alec finds himself desperate to catch his attention, although of course the stranger could be straight, since the club caters to all sorts. He lets out a low moan when the stranger turns around enough for Alec to see his dick, semi-hard between strong legs, and sure enough he looks over at Alec. 

Alec is quite sure he isn't imagining the hitch in the other man's chest when he takes in the sight of Alec in the stocks. He definitely isn't imagining the thrill that goes through him when their gazes lock from across the room.

Alec can feel himself getting hard just from the way the man is watching him - that intensity, the wonder in his eyes that makes Alec feel like he's being _seen_ , not just a warm wet hole, but a whole person. Some faceless dick is fucking him, but Alec thinks he might be able to come just from how much he wants it to be _him_ instead. 

For a moment it even looks like he might even walk towards Alec. Then someone approaches the beautiful stranger - a woman in a black leather corset - getting between them and cutting their eye contact. She binds his wrists behind his back, snaps a collar and leash around his neck, then puts a gag inside his mouth - one of those that has a dildo sticking out of it, that Alec always thinks makes the wearer look like some sort of odd bird. 

Alec tries not to feel too disappointed, erection flagging immediately - figures that a guy like that would be taken already. He watches the woman force the hot guy to his knees, spreading her legs so he can pleasure her with the dildo gag in his mouth, but throughout the whole thing she's looking at Alec, watching him with a cruel amusement that makes Alec's hackles rise. He doesn't even care what's being done to his own body anymore, too distracted by the way the woman is yanking her partner's hair too roughly and making all sorts of overdramatic moans, putting on a show for the other men in the room, a number of which are admiring her openly as her partner services her. Alec thinks that if he'd been into women, this one would turn him off them forever. 

She finally reaches her orgasm, and yanks her partner's leash none too gently to get him back on his feet. "You've been such a good pet, Magnus. I think you deserve a reward," she coos at her partner, and at least now Alec knows his name - _Magnus_. 

Then she starts to lead Magnus to where Alec is, and for the first time since he's started doing this, Alec starts to panic. There is a strange expression on her partner's face, and Alec thinks he looks guilty at being caught out for checking Alec out. 

She stops right in front of Alec, and winks at Mike before talking to her sub. "I saw you looking at him. He's pretty - I'll give you that. How would you like to fuck his mouth while his master fucks me?"

Magnus' eyes widen, and he shakes his head, but still the woman pulls his leash over the top of the stocks, forcing him to stumble closer until his cock is directly in Alec's face. It's a really gorgeous dick, as gorgeous as the rest of the man - thick, uncut, long enough that Alec knows he's going to have to struggle to take all of that inside his mouth. And Alec has absolutely no problems with getting his mouth on that, but he can tell Magnus isn't on board with the idea at all. Why is she doing this when her partner is so obviously uncomfortable with the whole idea?

Magnus makes an angry sound of protest, and the woman pulls the gag out of his mouth. 

"Camille, I-"  

"You will address me as _Mistress_ ," she snaps.

Magnus lets out an exasperated sound, but apparently decides to play along, even though there's still an edge in his tone. "That's not what we agreed on, _Mistress_."

"Then perhaps that'll teach you to look at someone else when you're with _me_ ," she snarls, and Alec thinks that's pretty rich coming from her, considering she was making come-hither eyes at every other man in the room. 

"I'm done with this. Pink pa-"

She shoves the gag back into Magnus' mouth rather forcefully, interrupting him mid-sentence, and goes to talk to Mike - negotiations on how they can play together - and leaves Magnus stretching the leash as far as it can go, trying to twist his body so that his dick won't be in Alec's face. It's oddly gentlemanly. Magnus' whole focus is on his partner's conversation with Mike, and Alec wants to reassure him that he has nothing to worry about because Mike has _standards_ , but he can't do that when Magnus doesn't even dare to look at him, probably for fear of angering this 'Camille' further. 

When she comes back, she's smiling, and Alec doesn't like that smile at all. She turns to address the rest of the room, "Gentlemen! I would like some volunteers for a gangbang. I'm going to sit over there, and I will entertain as many of you as I can, for as long as it takes my pet to come from face-fucking this fucktoy in the stocks."

Mike has apparently agreed to supervise this gangbang, and Alec decides right then that his arrangement with Mike is over. 

She goes up to Magnus, close enough that he can hear her but not close enough for him to touch her. "You'll do as I say," she hisses at him. "Fuck his mouth until you come down his throat. Isn't that what you want? And I want to see you put some effort into it, otherwise I'm breaking up with you right now."

Alec sees anger and hurt flash in Magnus' eyes. 

"Oh, don't look at me like that. Besides, I'm doing you a favour. Do you really think someone like him would ever want you? If he weren't held down like an animal, he wouldn't give you the time of the day," she says, and Alec wants to punch something, because that is blatantly untrue. There's no way he's letting this woman try to make him a part of humiliating her partner. He snaps his fingers to get Mike's attention, and Mike immediately comes forward to get the spider gag out of his mouth.  

"Taylor Swift," he croaks out, maintaining eye contact with Magnus. 

Mike looks surprised that he's tapping out, but immediately starts to unlock the stocks that are keeping Alec in place, which also means that he has to free Magnus from where he's tethered to the stocks. Despite the gag, Magnus' mouth quirks up at the corner at Alec's ridiculous choice of a safe-word, and Alec has a sudden swooping feeling of satisfaction in his gut, that he got Magnus to smile. 

Camille is glaring daggers at him for messing up her plans, but he couldn't care less. He stretches out once he's out of the stocks, drawing his shoulders back to make the most of his height advantage.

"I didn't appreciate you putting words in my mouth," he tells her off bluntly.

He turns to Magnus. "I just wanted you to know that I would suck your cock even if I weren't held down," he tells him, then registers how that sounded. "Uh... I mean..."

Magnus is laughing now, his eyes crinkling at the corners, and since Camille isn't making a move to free Magnus, Alec decides to take matters into his own hands and removes the gag for Magnus.

"Excuse me?! Don't you know the rules?" she screeches.

"Your partner was obviously trying to tap out - it's _you_ who doesn't know the rules," Alec shoots back as he quickly frees Magnus' wrists as well. "Are you ok?" he asks Magnus.

"Yes, thank you," Magnus replies with a smile, and Alec finds himself smiling back.

Camille chooses that moment to stomp off, breaking the spell. Magnus makes an abortive gesture to follow her, then frowns and starts undoing the collar around his neck.  

"Alec? Are you ok?" Mike asks.

"Yeah. Just tired," Alec replies, and tries to keep the frost out of his tone; after all, they've had this arrangement for almost half a year now, and he supposes they're sort of friends. He sticks a hand out for Mike to shake, all business, and Mike accepts it after a beat. 

"I suppose I'll see you around," Mike says with a slightly sad smile, and Alec shrugs noncommittally. 

There are some robes hanging in a corner, free for anybody to use. Alec grabs a couple of robes and two bottles of water before going back to Magnus, who's sitting on one of the pleather divans provided for play; with the way that he's staring at the collar in his hands, Alec wonders if he's regretting letting his partner go. Magnus seems surprised that Alec came back to talk to him, and accepts the robe and water that Alec holds out to him.

"I'm sorry," Alec says.

"It's ok. It was a long time coming," Magnus says, hugging the robe to himself instead of putting it on. "I only agreed to come here because she wanted to, and I thought if I made her happy she would stay with me. We met at a club like this, you see. But she didn't seem to understand that it wasn't something I wanted when I was in a committed relationship. Sorry to unload all this on you."

"No, it's fine." Alec sits down next to him and winces slightly. It's really not as bad as it usually is - he probably won't feel it in a couple of days.  

Magnus raises an eyebrow at him. "Your partner left a while ago, by the way." 

"He's not... it's just a convenient arrangement. Um. _Was_ a convenient arrangement," Alec replies. 

"I see. Well. I'm Magnus. Thank you for being my knight in shining armour."

Alec snorts. "I'm sure you'd have figured it out on your own. Anyway, I'm Alec."

"It's very nice to meet you, Alec," Magnus says, smiling. 

 

 

Alec exchanges numbers with Magnus, but he doesn't really expect to hear from him again. Spilling all your sorrows to a complete stranger is one thing when you're vulnerable and crashing down from subspace, but if Alec were Magnus, if they bumped into each other outside the club, he'd probably cross the street to avoid him.

But when Magnus texts him a few days later asking if Alec is free to hang out, Alec agrees against his better judgement. He's wary of Magnus' intentions, because attractive as Magnus is, Alec doesn't want to be someone's rebound fuckbuddy. But the place Magnus suggests is innocuous, casual - a burger place in downtown Manhattan - and Alec convinces himself that if anybody from work sees him, he can just say Magnus is a gym buddy or something like that.

Alec knows Magnus wants to ask him for something, because everybody always wants something from him and that's just the way it is. He waits for Magnus to work up the courage to bring it up while they wait for their food, while they're working their way through their meal, while they're waiting for the bill. And the more he waits the more off-kilter he feels, because Magnus doesn't seem like the type to beat around the bush. 

"I had a great time tonight," Magnus tells him when they step out of the diner. "I never realised how many of my friends were really Camille's friends until we broke up, and how many of my own friends I've alienated over the years because of her."

"I had a great time too," Alec tells him. 

They meet four more times over the next two weeks before Alec decides it's time to put a stop to it. It's not like the club, on private property, where people generally try to be discreet because it's about sex. This feels too much like dating, and someone is bound to spot them. One last time, before he nips this in the bud - and it's just his luck that it would have been some sort of anniversary for Magnus and Camille, and Magnus is slightly drunk and very depressed. 

"My solution has always been to just get out there and replace a broken heart with a mild STD, to be honest," Magnus says, and Alec thinks he may only be half-joking, which is troubling. "Have you been back to the club since you ended your arrangement?" 

"No. No single men allowed," Alec reminds him - clubs like these always have that rule. 

"Right. Maybe we should find a new club and go together."

"What?" Alec frowns. 

"I mean, not like _that_ ," Magnus hastens to add. "Just as friends, so we can watch out for each other. What do you think?"  

Alec plucks at a persistent hangnail on his right thumb for a while before replying, "Sure." 

It feels like it may be the worst decision he's made in his life, and that's saying something.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Take me out tonight_   
>  _Because I want to see people and I_   
>  _Want to see life_   
>  _Driving in your car_   
>  _Oh, please don't drop me home_   
>  _Because it's not my home, it's their_   
>  _Home, and I'm welcome no more_

  

 

This is what Magnus knows about Alec after two weeks: Alec is a conundrum. Alec should be too big for any room but always manages to make himself disappear into the background. Alec is cautious and suspicious, while still being open-minded and reasonable. Alec is quiet, but when he chooses to speak, his words reverberate in Magnus' mind for a long time after.

When Magnus first met Alec at the club, he'd be lying if he said he hadn't been admiring a very attractive body, but he had also admired Alec's courage. Making yourself vulnerable like that, with no way to control what will happen to you, implies great trust in your partner, and Magnus had envied that. He'd been surprised when Alec had dropped his arrangement with his partner so easily, and even more surprised when he realised that Alec had done it because of _him_ , because he'd been upset about his partner agreeing to work with Camille when Magnus had obviously been unhappy about it. 

There's more to Alec, of course there is. Alec is beautiful and doesn't seem to know it, and yet he manages to wield his attractiveness like a weapon - against himself. Alec isn't broken the way Magnus is; he's trying too hard not to break, and Magnus thinks that one day Alec will fracture from how hard he's holding himself in. Alec is smart and kind, and Alec is angry at himself and the whole world. But Magnus doesn't know these things about Alec until after the first time he goes to a sex club with him.

He and Alec have only set two ground rules. They're not going to have sex with each other, and if at any point either of them seem to be in a risky situation and not in a right state to give consent, they'll step in for each other.

The new club that Magnus gets them into is a converted private residence, a sprawling mansion with a dozen themed rooms and a huge pool outside. Magnus has a passing acquaintance with Alexei de Quincey, the guy who runs the place, and he knows Camille pissed him off a few years ago, so chances of bumping into her here are slim. The club is called Ouroboros - a snake devouring its own tail, a constant cycle of hunger and wanting, destroying itself to sustain itself. Magnus loves the poetry of it, almost as much as he loves all the double entendre he can derive from it. 

Alec lets him have first pick of the room he wants to explore, and Magnus picks one of orgy rooms, figuring that it'll provide plenty of playmates for the both of them. He jumps right into the thick of things, can't wait to lose himself in all the sensations: hands touching him everywhere, a sea of warm bodies and eager mouths, the sounds of wanton desire, and smell of sweat and sex all around him. Everybody is here just for one moment of pleasure - all Magnus needs to do to keep his partners happy is give them that, and it's easy enough for someone as skilled as Magnus is with his fingers and tongue, with a dancer's control of his body. Ten minutes is all he needs, if he really puts in the effort, and ten minutes of Magnus is just right - its too short for anybody to decide either way if Magnus is going to be too much or not enough. His heart and soul are safely locked away, and there is no risk of miscommunication because everybody is speaking the same language: sex, now, here.

It only occurs to Magnus later that maybe not everyone is fluent in the lingua franca.  

He ends up balls deep in a lovely curvy lady while her partner fucks his ass, and on any other day the pleasure of simultaneously fucking and being fucked should be enough to wipe everything from his mind, but he just can't get into it. He feels more like a conduit than a participant - every time the guy fucks down into him, he pushes Magnus deeper into the woman under him, and every thrust makes Magnus feel a little bit more disconnected from the situation. 

He spotted the glint of the matching wedding rings on their fingers when they approached him, and it's all he can think about. Camille always said he was too needy, and she's not wrong - there are plenty of people here who have no problems with making space in their sex lives for other people while maintaining a faithful, committed relationship. The problem lies with him - he was the one who couldn't give her what she wanted, he's the reason it all fell apart. 

He doesn't want to think about Camille right now though, so he casts about the room until he meets the eyes of a guy who's watching them. A wink and a smile is all it takes to get him over, and Magnus is about to put his mouth on his cock when Alec taps him on the shoulder. 

"Condom," Alec reminds him, holding out a foil packet. 

"You expect me to give a blowjob with this on?" Magnus says breathlessly, making a face.

Alec looks deeply unimpressed, so Magnus takes the condom - only to realise that his play-partners have stopped, and are trying not to stare. Maybe it's a bit odd to be holding a conversation with someone else in the middle of sex, or maybe it's the way Alec makes his way to a corner after interrupting them so abruptly and just stands there awkwardly looking like he's trying to become one with the wallpaper. 

The good new is, Magnus stops thinking about Camille. The bad news is, now he can't stop looking over at Alec. 

Magnus still manages to make all his three play-partners come, but declines politely when the lovely lady offers to take care of his erection. They exchange 'thank you's and cheek kisses, then he grabs a bottle of water to wash out the horrible lingering taste of latex in his mouth and makes his way towards Alec. Magnus can see him tensing up, looking away as if he can pretend that he wasn't watching Magnus this whole time.

"Everything ok? Too many women?" he asks. Alec wouldn't be the first gay man Magnus has met who seems to be personally offended by female nudity. "We could go to one of the men-only rooms." 

Alec looks adorably confused. "No, girls are fine. I mean, they don't do anything for me, but I don't find them repulsive or anything like that."

Magnus honestly doubts that, since Alec isn't even the least bit aroused. He suspects Alec is just trying to be respectful of Magnus' preferences, but since they're here together, it's only fair that Alec should be comfortable as well. 

"I think I'm done here. Alexei was bragging about a new dungeon, and I want to take a look," Magnus says. 

The men-only dungeon is a testosterone nightmare of black pleather, cheap unpolished wooden planks, rough hemp ropes, exposed wires, and industrial stainless steel. Magnus declares that if the raw red light bulbs embedded in the walls had any decency, they'd burst in shame so nobody has to continue to look at this atrocity. (It might have been a bad idea to disparage their host's taste in decor out loud, but Alec's snort of laughter is worth the risk of getting thrown out.)

This sort of set up seems to be more Alec's speed though, and from the way all eyes are on the both of them from the moment they walk into the room, Magnus has a feeling Alec will have no shortage of playmates lining up for him here. There are no stocks in this club, but Alec picks the fucking bench and a ball gag, and they're ready to go - almost. Magnus isn't sure if he should offer to help prep Alec, if that would cross any of the boundaries Alec has so obviously set up between them, but Alec saves him the trouble by prepping himself while he braces himself on the bench. Anybody else would be putting on a show, but Alec fingers himself open as if it's something as perfunctory as tying his shoelaces, and yet Magnus' erection is immediately revived. 

Alec kneels on the padded leg rests set hip width apart and bends over, lying chest down on the inclined cushion that leaves him with his ass up and legs spread. Magnus straps Alec's thighs to the bench and ties his wrists together with the belt under the bench, then all he has to do is sit there and watch Alec get fucked, his own aching erection standing proud and neglected. Masturbating to watching a friend having sex just seems like a line he shouldn't be crossing, but he's desperately hard now and leaking precome all over his own abs. Thankfully, a couple comes along asking if Magnus wants to play, one of them sucking him off while his partner fucks him, and he comes embarrassingly quickly but they still thank him at the end.  

It's taken Magnus ten minutes, tops. Alec has taken on two guys in that time, and Magnus hasn't taken his eyes off Alec. But as he comes down from his orgasm, Magnus can't help but notice that Alec's eyes are squeezed shut, and the way Alec is breathing - tight, controlled breaths - sounds more like someone trying not to have a panic attack than someone in the throes of pleasure. He gets up to stop the guy currently fucking Alec so he can check on him. Alec's dick was obscured by the bench from the place Magnus had been sitting at, but now he sees that Alec has gone completely soft. It doesn't make sense - unless Alec is hurt. 

_Fuck fuck fuck_. He's messed this up, of course he has. Alec trusted him to keep him safe, and the guys didn't look like they'd been rough with Alec, but something must have happened. 

"Alexander, give me a colour," Magnus says as he removes the gag from Alec's mouth. 

"Green," Alec croaks out. 

"Are you sure?"

" _Yes_." Alec's tone is harsh, and brooks no argument.

Magnus puts the gag back reluctantly. He does a visual check of Alec's entrance, careful to touch Alec only as much as it's absolutely necessary, and drizzles some extra lube just in case. But when the guy starts fucking Alec again, Alec still looks like he's in pain. Alec isn't speaking the same language as everyone else here, something has been lost in the translation - because Alec isn't here for the pleasure of sex, and Magnus is horrified when he considers the alternative. 

"Sorry, I'm a bit tired. Do you mind if we go?" Magnus lies.

Afterwards, Alec looks tired, unhappy. They showered before leaving the club so Alec's hair is still damp, but nobody would look at him and guess where he's been. Magnus watches Alec limp to his car, and wonders how to broach the subject, because he can't in good conscience do another round of this with Alec.

"Want to get something to eat? I'm starving."

"I could eat," Alec agrees distractedly. 

 

  

Magnus gets them both plain old dirty water dogs with extra relish from a questionable-looking food cart. Alec isn't talkative by any stretch of imagination, but tonight he's completely closed off. They finish their food in silence while sitting on a metal public bench on the sidewalk that seems to have been designed with the sole purpose of being as ugly and uncomfortable as possible.

"You know, I never did ask you what your day job is," Magnus says casually.  

"I work for my dad. Accounting," Alec replies. 

"So you still live with your parents?"

"Just my dad." 

"And your mum?"

"Moved to Canada after the divorce, took my baby brother and sister with her."

"Why didn't you go with them?"

"Because I had a dumb crush on my best friend, and I thought I had a chance with him," Alec says bitterly. "Turns out, he thinks faggots are disgusting and should just go and kill themselves." 

Magnus winces. "You're better off without someone like that in your life." 

"It's fine, I was young and stupid. I'm over it," Alec says, but Magnus knows all too well about loving people who don't love you back.  

"Besides, it's not all his fault. His father's a homophobic asshole," Alec adds, and Magnus knows all about making excuses for the behaviour of the people you love, too. 

"Did you start going to the clubs so you could make more like-minded friends?" Magnus asks, and Alec shoots him a strange look. 

"I'm not... you know."

Yes, Magnus knows that Alec isn't out. Which makes it all the more puzzling that he's going to all these clubs to have sex with strangers. From what Magnus has gleaned, Alec was a regular at his previous club, and had been for months. For a moment Magnus wonders if Alec thinks that if he endures enough sex with enough people, he'll eventually be out only by virtue of the fact that he'd have slept with every available queer guy in New York City.

A sudden thought strikes him. "Alexander, just so I'm clear... Have you ever been in a relationship? Not like what you had with Mike - a significant other."  

After what seems like an eternity, Alec shakes his head, and Magnus has to fight to keep his expression neutral. 

Magnus tries to hold his tongue - they're barely friends, even if they've seen each other naked and had sex in the presence of each other. It's not his business, and if it makes him uncomfortable, he could just walk away and let Alec find another person who will facilitate his life choices. Except that Alec came back to check on him when Magnus was still a total stranger, and Magnus usually isn't the one who does the walking away. 

"Why do you go to the clubs?" Magnus asks quietly. 

"I'm gay," Alec eventually bites out, face flushed and pointedly looking straight ahead at the traffic so he won't have to meet the eyes of anybody who may have turned to look at him because of his outburst. "I'm gay, so I'm going to take other men's dicks up my ass, and I'm going to enjoy every fucking second of it."

_Oh, Alexander._

"But you hate it," Magnus points out gently. 

Alec snaps, all long limbs and fury. He leaps to his feet as if the bench has suddenly turned red-hot, as if sitting next to Magnus has become unbearable, and runs a hand through his damp hair in frustration.

"Don't look at me like that, don't you dare - as if I'm... as if there's something _wrong_ with me," Alec snarls, and Magnus thinks Alec is going to break a tooth with how hard he's clenching his jaw.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Alexander. Everybody's got their demons," Magnus says, but Alec just snorts derisively.   

"Don't give me that bullshit."

He wants to tell Alec that there's more than one way to hurt yourself, that he understands because when it comes down to it he's not all that different from Alec. But it's one thing to know that you're broken, and another thing to try to explain to another human being how and why you're broken. There's nothing for it - it isn't an easy story to tell, and he hasn't had anybody to tell it to, but he thinks Alec will understand what he's trying to say. 

"I was with Camille for twelve years," Magnus says. "Not a solid twelve years, though. If you take away the few weeks here and there where we were apart because we were broken up again, it's probably more like eleven years. She broke up with me seven times. I tried to propose to her twice." 

Magnus fumbles around in his jacket pocket for his cigarettes and lighter. He hasn't smoked in years, but the habit has creeped up on him again lately. Alec frowns when he lights up, and gingerly settles back on the metal bench.

"The first time, she said it was too soon. The second time, I caught her in bed with another man - in _our_ apartment, in _our_ bed - on the day that I went home early because I was going to cook for her and surprise her with a romantic candlelit dinner. We yelled at each other, I think she smashed some of my things, and within four months I crawled back to her like a fucking loser. And that's the longest that I've managed to stay away from her."

A part of him knows Camille was bad for him, and that all the things she said to put him down weren't exactly true - but here's the kicker: they weren't exactly _untrue_ , either. Were his suspicions justified, or was he just paranoid and insecure? Does his fashion sense make him seem full of personality, or weird and off-putting? Was the cheating her fault, because she got bored, or his fault, for not trying hard enough for her? And it's all muddled up in his head and heart now, one big mess of who he is/isn't. Alec is silent, just listening, and Magnus finds that it helps - it's easier to get it out than if Alec had tried to interrupt him with platitudes.  

"It's always good for a while after we get back together. She'll tell me she believes I'll do better this time... Then she starts complaining that I'm boring and accusing me of being possessive. She's never apologised, not once - not even for the cheating. And every time we break up she kicks me out of our apartment, so I'm living out of half a dozen luggage bags in the backroom of my dance studio. I guess I'm lucky I have that now. The first few times I ended up sleeping on the streets, because I knew my friends would have said that the mess I was in was my own fault and I didn't want to hear it. And after that I just... didn't have any friends to turn to. I've wasted twelve years of my life making the same mistake over and over again."

"If you knew it was a mistake, why did you keep on making it?" Alec asks. 

Magnus takes a long drag from his cigarette, turns away from Alec to exhale the smoke. "Because it was a mistake I already knew how to make."

And a part of him is terrified that he's going to keep making it until the day that he dies, but he doesn't tell Alec this. Maybe if one person in his life believes that he can actually break out of the rut he's stuck himself in, it might actually come true. 

"Didn't know you smoked," Alec finally says. 

"I don't. Quit years ago," Magnus says wryly, and takes another ironic puff.

Alec hesitates, then silently holds his hand out for the cigarette. Magnus raises an eyebrow at him but hands it over, and watches him valiantly choke and cough over his first lungful of smoke. 

"Didn't know you smoked," Magnus teases, and Alec shrugs, eyes watery and still coughing. 

"Seemed like a good time to make a new mistake. Besides, my dad is asthmatic." 

Magnus can't stop the sharp bark of laughter that escapes his mouth, and pretty soon Alec is snickering too. They laugh so hard that Magnus' abs ache and his eyeliner is messed up from the tears running down his face, until Magnus doesn't know if he's laughing or crying. 

They're two grown men sitting on a bench with too many tiny arm rests that Magnus knows first-hand is fucking uncomfortable to try to sleep on, sharing a cigarette and laughing hysterically like madmen. People are staring, but fuck them.  

"To new mistakes," Magnus finally wheezes out when he lights a new cigarette for them, and when Alec gives him a small smile, he thinks a piece of himself slots back into place. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger warning:** Self-harm, homophobic language/behaviour.
> 
>    
>  _Take me out tonight_  
>  _Take me anywhere, I don't care_  
>  _I don't care, I don't care_  
>  _And in the darkened underpass_  
>  _I thought oh God, my chance has come at last_  
>  _(But then a strange fear gripped me and I_  
>  _Just couldn't ask)_

  

   

Magnus makes it very clear that he can't go to the club with Alec and watch him put himself through painful sex he doesn't even enjoy again, and honestly Alec doesn't blame him. Unlike Mike, for reasons Alec can't understand, Magnus actually cares about him.  

"I understand, I do," Magnus tells him. "And there are other, more controlled ways of... finding a release in the pain, if that's what you want. But I've never been a fan of causing pain. If you want, I could probably hook you up with some people I know."

But that's the problem - Alec doesn't want to have anybody else in control of the pain, because despite his activities in the clubs, none of that is about being _submissive_. Everything about it is a fight - conquering his body's natural instincts to shy away from pain with restraints, giving his father and every homophobe in his life a massive finger. He's fighting the guys at the club too, a great big 'fuck you' to these people whose first instinct when they see someone helpless is to hurt and humiliate - because he doesn't _care_ what they do to him, so the joke is on them. 

(And he'd been winning this fight damnit, until Magnus came along, caring too much.) 

Alec's always been the one in control - not of who fucks him, perhaps, but that's not the point because all he cares about is the fact that it's someone with a penis. Nobody actually gets to touch him without a barrier of latex between them. He's in control of how much hurt he gets to take, and how. Just the thought of some stranger whipping him or pouring hot wax on him freaks him out.

He tells himself doesn't want it to be Magnus either, even if Magnus was into this sort of thing. He doesn't want to be just another warm body in the club for Magnus - watching Magnus have sex with other people in the club after weeks of dinner dates that maybe weren't actually dates had been... confusing. Alec tells himself that this distance between them now is safe, comfortable, _controllable_. He won't have to risk feeling disappointed if (when) it turns out that Magnus isn't that different from the faceless guys who've fucked him. He tells himself it's fine that Magnus has never once touched him in a sexual way.

"I can take care of myself," Alec insists. 

Magnus looks unconvinced. His silence speaks louder than any cajoling or logical arguments he could have put up, and Alec is suddenly fearful that Magnus is going to say that they can still be friends, but they can't go to the clubs together. The clubs have been Alec's crutch for so long, they're the only thing that work for him; he can't do without them, and he doesn't _want_ to do it without Magnus. 

"No more stocks. I promise," Alec says hurriedly. And he feels sick the moment he says it - because that means he'll have to do something else, something different from the routine he's gotten used to, but the promise is already out there.  

Magnus looks slightly mollified, but still doubtful. "If you're sure."

"I'm sure," Alec insists. "I know what I'm doing." He doesn't know why he expects Magnus to believe that when he doesn't even believe it himself.  

 

 

They start with the orgy room again, the next time they go to the club. Alec doesn't even pretend to be interested in participating. His job is to watch Magnus, make sure he remembers to stay safe - that's all. He keeps his robe on and watches the way everyone in the room turns towards Magnus, drawn in by his looks, his ready smile, the way he treats every single one of his partners with the sort of reverence that makes them feel like they're truly wanted. Everybody wants Magnus, and really, who could blame them? 

Alec can't believe he ever thought that Magnus saw something special in him the first time they met. It isn't Alec who's special, it's _Magnus_ \- the capacity he has to find something worthy in anybody. (Which, really, is the only fathomable reason Alec can come up with for why Magnus stayed with Camille for so long.)

Alec doesn't really want to watch Magnus having sex with a whole bunch of other people, but he can't tear his eyes away either. The room is too small for the two dozen or so people in here, and the sights and sounds are a little bit overwhelming, but Alec can't help zeroing in on the sounds Magnus is making as he fucks his way through a few people, on the expression of pleasured exertion, and the look on Magnus' face when he comes. It's partly obscured by another couple who happens to be in Alec's line of sight, and Alec looks away quickly.

Alec is still examining a stain on the embroidered  _fleur de lis_  wallpaper when Magnus comes up to tap him lightly on the shoulder. Alec doesn't turn fully, can't bring himself to; Magnus is naked and sweaty, still smells of come and sex, and there's a lingering flush down to his chest, clearly visible despite the darker tone of his skin. If Alec turns and looks properly, he'll want to find out how Magnus' skin tastes like this, warm and overly sensitive, how his racing pulse will feel against Alec's tongue. How it might feel to have Magnus' entire focus on him, and only on him, when -  _if_  - they ever...  

"What do you want to do?" Magnus asks, still slightly breathless, and gulps down half a bottle of water. His question brings Alec's train of thought to a screeching halt. 

What he wants? Now, isn't that a loaded question? 

Alec doesn't trust himself to answer; _can't_ answer. He just stands up and leads the way out of the room.  

Alec can feel Magnus starting to tense up when they head back to the men-only dungeon they'd been to the last time. Honestly, Alec is feeling pretty keyed-up himself, and utterly lost. He scans the room. There's a general play area in the middle with couches, not too different from the orgy room; that fucking bench from the last time in a corner, already occupied by a trio with an obvious latex fetish; a St Andrew's cross in another, with a row of different whips and riding crops hung on the wall next to it; a cage large enough to hold a man, with odd gaps in the bars, also occupied; and finally something that is probably for those with a medical kink, some sort of modified dental chair with raised leg rests that will leave the user's legs spread and entrance exposed for the fucking machine in front of it. The cross is definitely out, so Alec takes a deep breath and goes for the fucking machine.  

"Are you sure?" Magnus stops him with another light touch on his arm. Alec nods and takes off his robe. 

Previously, Mike was always the one who prepped Alec, but Magnus doesn't offer, so Alec does it by himself. It's an odd angle and Alec feels awkward doing it with what feels like everybody looking at him, but he gets it done quickly and sits down. The dildo is not big; he puts a condom on it, then works the tip of it into his body on his own. He puts the gag in on his own as well, but can't reach the ankle straps by himself. His stomach is a tangle of nerves and anticipation as Magnus helps him with those, as well as the straps that tie Alec's wrists above his head. Magnus insists on putting more lube all around before Alec starts, his fingertips lightly spreading Alec a little wider only so he can see better, and his touch is gentle but almost clinical. Alec feels the shame start to burn in his gut. 

He gets it. Alec has been careful about the condoms, but careless about the way he's let others use his body; and he'd never considered that it might be a problem until now. Why would a guy like Magnus want a guy like him? He's damaged.  

It's not that Alec's probably had sex with a hundred guys by now (or maybe less - some faces got familiar after a while, but Alec wasn't really paying attention). Magnus is a better man than that, and Magnus has slept with his fair share of people. Magnus isn't a hypocrite. But he knows Magnus was weirded out by the fact that Alec's never been in a relationship before he let all these guys fuck him. It's not the fact that he's had sex with a lot of people, but the reasons why he has been doing this. And now Magnus can't bear to touch him, not in that way. 

Alec feels the bitterness of it seep into his heart and spread like poison.

When he's done, Magnus presses the controls of the machine into Alec's bound hands, then steps back and leaves Alec to it. 

And he didn't think it was possible, but the machine makes Alec feel even worse than being gangbanged. The machine is relentless; it pistons into him, every thrust hitting the exact spot with a precise amount of pressure, and Alec feels his orgasm building no matter how hard he tries to stave it off. The controls are in his hand, but Alec stubbornly fights it, refusing to just turn the damned thing off and switching it to the highest setting instead because _fuck everything_ , until it's too late - he doesn't know how it happened, but the machine rips his orgasm out of him and he's coming all over himself, and he _hates_ it. He hates the way he loses control of his body when the orgasm hits, hates that his stupid body is reacting to the meaningless stimuli, and hates that he has nowhere to hide the expression on his face when he comes.

So even after the machine has fucked him through his climax, he doesn't turn it off. It gets too much pretty quickly, his whole body jerking violently against his bindings when the pleasure turns into excruciating pain. His inner muscles are struggling to clamp down and push out the unwelcome intrusion but the machine is still on its highest setting, and he's vaguely aware that he's shouting into the gag when the machine suddenly, mercifully, stops, although the fake rubber dick is still invading his body. 

"Alexander, _please_ , stop," Magnus is saying, and he sounds absolutely heartbroken as he quickly frees Alec from the straps binding him to the chair. He has to forcibly pry the controls out of Alec's clenched fist, because Alec can't control his muscles enough to let go. Then he pulls out the gag and eases Alec off the dildo, strong arms curled around Alec's hips to pull him away, and Alec bites down hard on his lips to muffle a whimper when it slips out of his body.  

It could have been worse if Magnus hadn't stopped the machine when he did, but honestly the pain is not even half as bad as the first time he'd requested to be put in the stocks. He knows he was an idiot to lie to Mike that he'd done anal sex before, but he'd just wanted to get his virginity out of the way - like ripping off a bandaid quickly instead of prolonging the whole ordeal. He'd expected the first one to hurt like hell, but the second one had been pure agony. He'd started bleeding after the third one, and he'd had to fake some illness to Robert Lightwood for a few days, he curled up in bed wishing he could crawl into a hole somewhere and die. He hadn't been able to sit down properly for almost a week after, and he'd been terrified that something would get infected and he'd have to go to the hospital and explain how the hell he'd gotten his injuries.

But it's not the battered state of his body that's ripping him apart; he can't even meet Magnus' eyes. Alec's felt all sorts of emotions during the course of his time in the clubs - fear, anger, hate, defiance, disgust - but shame is the one thing he got over pretty quickly, right from the start. And he's ashamed now, because he knows he's disappointed Magnus. And it's not fair. He had his damned orgasm, and isn't that what Magnus wanted? Proof that he's enjoying himself? What more does Magnus want from him? 

Why does Magnus have to care? Why does _he_ care that Magnus cares? 

Alec feels himself shutting down, because it's the only way to deal with everything. His heart feels like it's going to pieces from the way Magnus supports him to one of the private rooms and cleans him up so gently, the way Magnus checks his reactions and murmurs comforting words while he applies an ice pack wrapped in a towel to Alec's sore entrance, the distressed expression on Magnus' face throughout it all. Magnus insists on driving Alec home in Alec’s car after that, even though it means he has to take a cab back to get his car from the club. 

"I'll call you tomorrow," he promises Alec as he gets out of the car, and Alec knows he doesn't help him all the way to the front door only because Alec wouldn't want anybody to see him and ask awkward questions about who Magnus is. 

  

 

They don't go to the club again for a while.  

They go back to dinners after work, sometimes a smoke after that, and the gym that one time. They stick to the sort of hole-in-the-wall places where Alec is unlikely to accidentally bump into any of his father's snobby business associates. Magnus doesn't bring up what happened at the club. 

Instead, they talk. They talk about anything else but that.

Magnus starts first - asking Alec for advice about filing the taxes for his dance studio, a ruse that Alec sees through immediately because Magnus is clearly pretending that he doesn't understand all of that, since he has been doing fine on his own for years. Magnus tells him about the curriculum he's planned for his students, asks Alec if he thinks spending an afternoon dancing at the street corner and giving out advertisement flyers will be worth the effort. (Alec thinks he's joking about pole-dancing. Maybe.) Magnus tells him funny stories about a disastrous trip to Peru that he took with his friends just before Camille came into his life. Somehow, Magnus manages to get Alec talking about the MMA classes he used to go to with Jace before Alec messed that up by confessing his feelings, about how Alec's sister has been trying to reconnect with him, and how difficult that has been because they haven't spoken in years.  

The two-week mark draws nearer. Alec hasn't missed his fortnightly visit to the sex club yet in the seven months since he first started going, not even after that disastrous first time. Magnus must know something is up, because he starts suggesting that they go to gym again, as if one form of physical exertion can replace another, as if Alec's going to the clubs for _exercise_. 

The day comes, and they do go to the gym instead. Alec serves as Magnus' spotter when he does the bench press, and gets a little lost in the memory of how those arms felt like curled around his hips. 

The second two-week mark rolls around, and Alec thinks he's doing fine. He's guilty about keeping Magnus away from the club as well, but they've still not talked about what happened the last time, and Magnus isn't even trying to bring it up. And he knows Magnus hasn't found someone else to go with him instead, because they're meeting up on all the nights that Magnus isn't teaching evening classes, and Alec won't pretend that it doesn't make him selfishly pleased. 

He thinks he's doing fine until Robert Lightwood drops a bombshell in his lap the first thing the next morning. 

"You're handling this," Robert says curtly without any preamble and throws a file on Alec's desk. 

Alec frowns and flips it open, and a word jumps out at him: _Herondale_. 

"Why?" Alec asks, trying to keep his voice neutral. As if just reading the name alone isn't bringing back all the memories in full technicolour, of Jace spewing vitriol at him - his best friend since they were little kids telling him he was disgusting and unnatural, that he should just end his own miserable existence.  

His father pauses at the doorway. He's not used to Alec questioning things; he's used to a sullen son who does as he's told. "Is there a problem?"

"No, it's just... Usually you prefer to handle this account on your own," Alec says. Preferential treatment for Robert's friends - everybody else gets substandard Alec. 

Robert's face twists into a sneer. "Not any more. I know you used to be friends with his son. Well, I'm glad you stopped associating with him, because from what I hear, he's just been sent for conversion therapy."

Conversion therapy? But that's for... Alec stares at Robert, bewildered. 

"Did you know that he was a faggot?" Robert asks sharply. 

Alec shakes his head dumbly, and the shock on his face must be enough to placate Robert. Alec is still staring at the door when Robert walks away. It doesn't make sense! Why would Jace have said all those things if he was gay himself?

He can't close and lock his office door, that would be too suspicious. So he flings his pen under the table and uses that as an excuse to crouch down to the floor and try to get a hold on the rising panic attack. 

Deep breaths. Nails digging into his palm, but it's not enough. Alec jabs the tip of the pen into the pad of his thumb.

Jace is gay, or maybe bi. Jace is in conversion therapy. If Robert finds out, he'll probably send Alec there too - or he can try, but Alec isn't a child anymore. He's 23, and perfectly capable of walking out and living his own life. Robert doesn't have a hold on him.  

Alec is scared, and  _furious_ \- why didn't Jace just say something? Why does he now have to worry about his idiot of an ex-best-friend in addition to worrying about himself? Why are their fathers such giant assholes? 

Alec looks down at his hand - his thumb is bleeding now, and his hands are still shaking. He gets out from under his desk and grabs some tissues so he doesn't get blood all over his paperwork. It hurts only a little, not enough and not in the right places - his skin is prickling with the need to prove to himself just how much his father doesn't own him. 

He gets out his phone and sends Magnus a message. 

 

 

Magnus is teaching tonight, but he sends Alec the address of his dance studio. It's on the second floor of a refurbished warehouse and Alec can see Magnus from the sidewalk, his back to the floor-to-ceiling windows as he leads a class of young women in some sort of hiphop dance fitness thing. Seeing the way Magnus moved in the club, Alec had always thought of Magnus as free in the ways he could never be, confident and comfortable in his own skin, but now he sees how wrong he was. Watching him teasing his students, showing off his moves, laughing - this Magnus is more, because this Magnus is  _happy_.  

Alec stands there on the sidewalk watching until the class is almost over, before he makes his way up. Magnus' students are just leaving, and some of them check him out a bit too blatantly as he stands there holding the door for them.  

The smile on Magnus' face softens when he sees Alec. Alec can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. 

"Hey," Alec says, trying to figure out what compromises he must make this time to convince Magnus to go to the club with him again, and starting to panic when he draws a complete blank. 

"Hey yourself," Magnus says. His last student smiles and waves, and closes the door behind her. "I saw you, you know. Watching from the sidewalk. Why didn't you come up?" 

Alec shrugs. "Didn't want to interrupt. Looked like you guys were having fun." 

"And you thought your presence would spoil our fun?" Magnus asks with a teasing smile. "Or were you just afraid that I'd make you join in?"  

"That too," Alec concedes.  

Magnus laughs. "Well, I'm afraid there's no escape," he says, and stalks forward purposefully. 

"I can't-" Alec begins, already backing away, but Magnus just grins and grabs his wrists, pulling him closer.  

"If you can fight, you can dance."

"But-" Alec glances at the windows. Anybody could look up and see. 

Magnus lets go of him briefly and draws the blinds on all the windows. "There. Now it's just us." 

Alec swallows hard - does Magnus even know what effect those words have had on him? For the first time since they've met, they're all alone in a private space. Anything could happen behind these closed doors and drawn blinds. 

Magnus turns on the music - something a little retro that Alec thinks he's heard before - and beckons to Alec. It's on the tip of his tongue to refuse, but Magnus looks so enthusiastic and gleeful that Alec is helpless to resist. Alec takes off his suit jacket and gingerly places it on Magnus' reception counter, then loosens his tie before he steps forward. 

Magnus demonstrates a few basic steps and turns, places his hand on Alec's shoulder, and guides him through a different set of steps, then leads Alec through a basic dance Magnus says is called the Charleston. All Alec learns is that he has two left feet and no sense of rhythm. He's too tense, too stiff, and steps on Magnus' toes half the time, but Magnus doesn't seem to care.  

"Here," Magnus says laughingly, placing his hands on Alec's hips. "Loosen these up a bit." 

Alec freezes. Magnus looks up at him questioningly, and he's so close that their faces are inches away from each other. Alec sees Magnus' eyes flicker to his lips and back up to Alec's eyes, and Alec licks his lips self-consciously. Ironically, despite the number of cocks he's had in his mouth, he's never properly kissed anybody, and he really wants to kiss Magnus now.  

Alec isn't sure how long they stand like this - it feels like it could have been seconds or minutes - but none of that really matters, because Magnus steps away from Alec. And there's his answer right there: Magnus definitely knew Alec wanted to kiss him, and was definitely thinking about kissing Alec, but he chose to step away. Of course Magnus isn't interested. Why would he be? 

Alec starts to back away, and Magnus takes a step towards him.  

"Alexander, wait," he says, and he looks apologetic, but what is there left to say? It's not his fault. He doesn't owe Alec anything.

"I can't be here right now," Alec says, grabbing his jacket blindly. His clumsy movement causes the jacket to hook on a porcelain figurine of a little Japanese beckoning cat. It hits the floor with a sharp, final crack, and breaks into a dozen pieces. 

"I'm sorry," Alec says, and flees. 

When Alec gets home, he takes a shower with the heater turned up to the maximum. His skin is an angry red and tender to the touch by the time he's done trying to wash off the memory of Magnus' hands on his hips and shoulders, but he can't scrub out the sting of the rejection.  

He catches sight of his own reflection in the bathroom mirror on the way out. The despair in his own eyes is too raw even for himself to take - he moves without thinking, and before he knows it he's put his fist through the glass, littering the off-white bathroom tiles with shards of silver.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might be able to update this a little faster now that I've cleared off some of my WIPs, but due to the sensitive nature of some of the topics explored, I'm taking some time with research. Please be patient with me! :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _And if a double-decker bus_   
>  _Crashes into us_   
>  _To die by your side_   
>  _Is such a heavenly way to die_   
>  _And if a ten-ton truck_   
>  _Kills the both of us_   
>  _To die by your side_   
>  _Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine_

 

 

 

Magnus calls Alec a few dozen times over the course of the night, then another few dozen times over the course of the day. The calls go straight to voicemail, but still he hits the call button whenever he can steal a break from trying to go about his day on too little sleep and too much coffee from the deli across from his dance studio that he can't quite afford. He's tempted to text as well, but restrains himself. Calling is risky, but texts even more so - prying eyes might be curious about why Magnus is being so desperate about having Alec call him back, while missed calls can always be explained away as a wrong number. Short of turning up at Alec's door, Magnus is at a loss as to what to do. If it were any other friend, Magnus would be worried, but since it's Alec, he's doubly worried.

A part of him wishes he'd kissed Alec, but he still thinks it was the right thing to step away, despite the mess he's made of whatever is between them. It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to kiss him - it'd taken all his self-control to step back, and even then it'd been a close thing. But it wouldn't be fair to Alec, and Magnus doesn't want to take advantage of him.

It's just a crush, it has to be. Magnus is nothing, can't be anything for Alec - he's 30, sleeping in the backroom of his dance studio because he doesn't have the guts to get his stuff and his share of his apartment back from his ex-girlfriend. Maybe Alec has some issues he needs to work out, but he deserves better. Magnus doesn't want to be the guy Alec hooks up with just because he's the only queer friend he has, then the guy Alec dumps when he finally realises he can do better than Magnus.

By 8pm, Magnus is ready to throw his own rules out of the window and maybe lurk outside Alec's house incognito just to catch a glimpse of him, to make sure he's ok. He could clean off his make-up, take off all the jewellery. He's wearing plain-ish clothes today. He could wash the gel out of his faux hawk and comb it flat, and he'd be completely inconspicuous. 

At 8.07pm, he gets a call from Alexei.

"Your boy is at my club."

"What?" 

"Said he was waiting for you, so I let him in. But I had a feeling. You didn't know, did you?"

"No. We didn't arrange to meet at the club today," Magnus answers, already grabbing his keys off the counter. 

"You're coming to get him? Good. And in future, I'd appreciate if you went somewhere else." 

That gives Magnus pause. "Alexei. I-" 

"I know you've paid for damaging the wiring on my machine from the last time when you ripped it out of the wall, but this is different," Alexei says. "Some of the regulars have been complaining about him. I don't care what you want to do to each other in the privacy of your own home, but risky behaviour puts the other guests at my club at risk too." 

Magnus' throat goes dry. What the hell is Alec doing right now to be getting Alexei this pissed off? 

"I figured keeping him here would be safer for him than letting him out on the streets. But if things go too far, I'll be forced to show him out," Alexei warns. 

"I'm on my way," Magnus promises.

He's just finished locking up when his phone starts to ring. At first he thinks it's Alexei again, but one look at the caller ID shows that its Camille. Magnus has been through this enough times to know what this means - she's ready to take him back. 

All the other times, he'd picked up the call, then dropped everything to go to her. Magnus takes a deep breath and rejects the call, resolutely ignoring the sharp spike of anxiety that gives him, because he knows from experience that there'll be hell to pay later. He doesn't have time for her right now - Alexander needs him. He shoves his phone back in his pocket and runs down the stairs two steps at a time.

 

 

It's taken Magnus sixteen minutes to get there through peak hour traffic. He makes a beeline for the dungeon, completely overdressed. 

Alec has gone and cuffed his own hands behind his back, and he's kneeling naked in the middle of the room, just letting a bunch of guys touch him everywhere and jerk off onto him. The first thing Magnus notices is that none of the guys are wearing condoms, and normally Alec would never, never allow this. His eyes and mouth are squeezed shut, his face, hair, and body streaked with come, and he's got his face tilted upwards, as if in supplication to some unknown deity. 

Magnus' heart is a jumble of emotions. Mostly, he's angry. What the fuck does Alec think he's trying to prove? Everybody has to submit their test results when they apply for membership to Alexei's club, and Alexei is stringent about the monthly checks, but a lot can happen in a month. Even with the rapid HIV test at the door, it's a damned stupid thing to be doing. But he's surprised, then disgusted with himself when he realises that he's also _jealous_. He's not in a committed relationship with Alec, he's got no right to be jealous. And besides, it's like being jealous of a knife that Alec is using to cut himself.

_Possessive_ , Camille's voice whispers in his head. _Insecure. Needy._

Once Magnus has gotten over the shock of seeing Alec like this, he sees Alec's hand - and Magnus' heart sinks. It's badly bandaged, like Alec tried to do it himself, and knowing Alec, the injury must be severe enough that the need to hide it has won out over the need to not draw attention to it. The anger bleeds out of him as quickly as it came on. 

"Alexander," he says, as calmly and evenly as he can manage when he approaches him. Alec ignores him, but tenses up. 

The guys who had been playing with Alec, sensing something is wrong, start to back off. By now, Magnus knows Alec well enough not to push, and more importantly, not to pity. 

"Alexander, can we talk?" Magnus asks. 

Alec swallows hard, then nods, eyes still shut. Magnus retrieves the keys of the cuff from his fist and frees Alec, then grabs him some tissues and a bottle of water. Alec takes the news that they've been asked to leave the club with barely any reaction. Magnus waits outside for him while he showers, and goes through three cigarettes rapidly, one after the other, until he feels almost sick from the sudden intake of nicotine. 

Magnus has always loved cats, but Camille hated them, hated the idea of all her clothes being covered with cat fur. It's the reason why Magnus had to content himself with the cheap little porcelain cat he bought from Chinatown, the one Alec broke. For a short while, he'd volunteered at an animal shelter until Camille had put a stop to that as well, and the way Alec walks when he comes out of the club to find Magnus leaning on the hood of his car reminds Magnus of the way some of the abused animals moved around humans when they'd just been sent to the shelter - wary, expecting to be hurt again.

They can't have this conversation in a parking lot, but there isn't anywhere private they could go that is neutral ground. Magnus decides the only compromise is Alec's car. He gestures to it, and Alec reluctantly opens the door for him, holding it open like a proper gentleman.

Alec gets in on the driver's side, and shuts the door. The thud it makes seems to echo in the small, dark space, and Magnus feels like he's been trapped in a tomb. Alec is silent, his injured hand resting on the seat in an unnatural position - to keep it out of Magnus' sight, he realises. 

"Alexander, have you thought about seeing a doctor?" Magnus finally asks. 

"For my hand?" Alec asks, deliberately obtuse, everything from the tone of his voice to the hard set of his jaw and the tension in his shoulders clearly screaming _go away, stop, leave this alone_.

Isn't it ironic that now that he's finally gotten hold of Alec, he doesn't know what to say to him? He doesn't want to hurt Alec, or make him run away, but some hard truths need to be spoken. 

"Alexander... about last night."

He didn't think it was possible, but Alec's shoulders tense even further. Alec shifts in his seat, turning ever so slightly away from Magnus, bracing himself for the blow.

"You have a crush on me, and believe me, I'm flattered. But it's just a crush," Magnus says. 

Alec looks shocked at first, then angry. "Are you trying to say that just because I've never been with someone, I don't know what it is I'm feeling?" Alec demands.  

Magnus shakes his head, wondering how to make Alec understand. "No, that's... Alexander, you think you like me, but that's only because you don't actually know me. We've known each other for two months, and maybe I seem interesting to you right now, but I'm a lot to get used to, and sooner or later you're going to realise you could have done better."

"What does that even mean? What are you saying?" Alec snaps, turning towards Magnus more fully.

"Alexander, I'm a mess," Magnus says with a self-depreciating laugh, keeping his eyes fixed on the blank wall in front of the car. "I flunked out of college. I bought six coffees to stay awake today, and I'll have to eat instant ramen for the rest of the week because I can't afford anything else if I want to be able to pay the rent for my dance studio this month. I'm 30, and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. And yet I'm over-the-top, overreact to things, impatient, petty..."

_I'm not good enough for you._ He doesn't say it out loud, but he doesn't have to. Alec is a smart man. 

The silence after that is deafening. Magnus wishes Alec would say something, but part of him is afraid that Alec is going to make some excuse to get Magnus to leave the car, and that will be the end of it. 

(The other, rather large, selfish part of him, is hoping that Alec will ask him to stay anyway.)

But still Alec doesn't say anything, and with each passing minute Magnus resigns himself to the reality that Alec has made the obvious, intelligent choice. He turns to say goodbye, to save Alec the awkwardness of having to chase him out of the car, and finds Alec staring at him. Alec's mouth is hanging open like he can't believe the words that just came out of Magnus' mouth, and to Magnus' surprise, his expression softens. 

"Magnus, you can't possibly actually think that," Alec says, his voice so gentle, the gentlest Magnus has ever heard from him. And then Alec leans forward to kiss him, and it would have taken a far better man than Magnus not to kiss him back. 

It starts out sweet and soft, just a firm press of Alec's lips against his, but then Alec swipes his tongue tentatively at the seam of Magnus' lips and Magnus opens up for him, and Alec's answering moan turns the heat up so suddenly that Magnus feels a little dizzy. Alec is cupping the back of Magnus' head with his good hand, practically trying to climb into Magnus' lap in his eagerness to get closer, and every time Magnus sucks on Alec's bottom lip or pushes his tongue into Alec's mouth, Alec lets out an unabashed groan of pleasure that pulls at Magnus' heartstrings (as well as his dick).

When they break off to catch their breaths, Magnus has a moment of fear - whatever they had before this has now changed irrevocably.

"Seemed like a good time to make another new mistake?" Magnus asks, trying to keep his voice light, and Alec shakes his head vehemently. 

"You're not a mistake. You're never a mistake," Alec says, and he's so earnest that Magnus really wants to believe him. 

Then Alec smiles - a proper, genuine smile - and Magnus decides that something that makes Alec so happy, that makes _both_ of them happy, can't be a bad thing.

Magnus leans forward with the intention of reclaiming Alec's lips when his phone starts ringing in his pocket like a splash of cold water, the cheerful jazzy tune suddenly harsh and hateful to Magnus' ears. He digs the phone out of his pocket, hoping that its just Alexei wanting to know why they're still loitering in his parking lot, but of course it isn't Alexei.

Magnus sighs. "I'm sorry, I have to take this," he tells Alec, and picks up the call. "Camille."

Alec's eyes widen, and he licks his lips nervously, retreating into his seat.

"Magnus, _darling_. Why didn't you answer your phone? I went to the trouble of calling in a favour and got us a reservation at the River Café, and now we've only got half an hour before they let the reservation go to someone else," she says, annoyed. 

"I'll be there," he says, and hangs up. 

Alec shrinks further into his chair. "Oh." 

"I own half a share of the apartment she's currently staying in. I'm going to ask her to buy me out, or sell it and give me my share of the money," Magnus explains quickly, stomach already turning with the thought of what he's finally going to do. "Besides, I still have some of my things there, and if she hasn't already thrown them out, I should arrange to get them back as well."

Alec brightens up immediately. He knows what a big step this is for Magnus, and he's looking at Magnus with such pride that Magnus feels the roiling in his gut settle a little.  

Alec's jaw sets in determination. "If I went home and grabbed some stuff, could I crash at your studio?" he gets out in a rush.

Magnus is speechless for a moment, head spinning from how fast everything is suddenly moving. It's like being in a car crash, a train wreck, a reckless forward momentum that he's not sure is going to end well at all. "I would love to have you. But it's nothing fancy. I only have a single-sized mattress on the floor that's too small even for me," he warns Alec jokingly. "And roaches. Giant roaches."

"I live with my dad. Roaches would be an improvement," Alec points out.

"Touché," Magnus agrees with a laugh, and Alec grins back at him.

"You should get a cat. I hear some of them are great at killing roaches," Alec says, and isn't that just the icing on the cake. 

Magnus kisses Alec firmly. "I should be done by 10. I'll see you at my studio?"

"Yeah." Alec nods. 

Magnus kisses Alec one more time, and gets out of the car. As he waves goodbye to him, his blood is singing in his veins, and he's high on more than nicotine. 

They're doing this. They're really doing this. 

 

 

Magnus doesn't bother going home to change. The t-shirt and jeans he's wearing doesn't quite fit the dress code, but he's got a spare jacket in the car, so he throws it on. Camille got them reservations at one of New York City's most romantic and expensive restaurants, but Magnus is definitely the one expected to foot the bill. Typical Camille, Magnus thinks sourly. Well, it's a bill he can't afford, what with the six coffees and the money he had to fork out for damaging Alexei's fucking machine, so joke's on her. 

The maître d' almost refuses him entry, but he assures him he's not staying, just here to speak to someone, so the man reluctantly lets him in. Camille has a table at the window, looking out at the New York skyline, and she is stunning in a skin-tight red dress. She's always been the type of person who draws the attention of everyone in the room, confident and passionate in her convictions. Even years after, he can still see all the reasons why he fell in love with her, but lately it's been harder to remember the reasons why he thought he still loved her. She's still beautiful, but at some point her sharp wit became cruelty, her independence became distance, and her free-spiritedness became an excuse to be unfaithful.

And Magnus can’t keep living the way he's been living.

She frowns at his clothes when he draws nearer. "What the hell are you wearing? Is that a tassel? You look like a curtain, you're embarrassing me," she hisses. "When we get home, you're throwing that away." 

He sits down opposite her. Maybe it makes him a coward for waiting for her to call before he did this, but he's going to take his wins where he can get them. "It's not my home, not anymore. I don't mind if you want the apartment, but you're going to have to buy out my share."

Magnus is surprised to see panic flash in Camille's eyes.

"Oh, don't be tedious, Magnus," she says, but her expression belies her flippant tone. 

Magnus doesn't bother answering her. He sits back, crosses his arms, and lets his silence and posture speak for him. 

"I see what this is. That boy at the club - you're leaving me for that little cockslut?" she sneers. 

"Don't be crass, Camille. You're better than that." 

"So it _is_ about him. What are you going to do when he dumps you for someone with a bigger dick? It's not like you can afford to be his sugar daddy. Is that why you want the money from the apartment - to keep up with buying the things he wants from you?"

"No, I want my share of the money because it's rightfully mine, and we're done," Magnus says coolly. "And I'd prefer if we could settle this amicably and out of court." 

"As if you could afford a lawyer," she scoffs. 

"Ragnor is a pretty good lawyer," Magnus says mildly, and hopes she doesn't call his bluff - he hasn't spoken to Ragnor in years. No such luck. 

"Oh _please_. Ragnor got sick of you, just like all your other friends did - they always do," she says with a vicious laugh. "I'm the only one who's stayed by your side all these years. And this is the way you repay me? What would you be without me?" 

"I guess it's time I found out," Magnus says evenly. "Goodbye, Camille. My lawyer will be in touch." 

He stands up, and she catches him by the wrist. "Magnus, you can't be serious. We've been together for ten years, and you're just going to throw it away like that?" she asks, the note of panic in her voice a lot more pronounced now.

_It's twelve years_ , Magnus corrects her mentally. He pauses to look at her more closely now. They were 18 when they met, both young and foolish. And yes, she's treated him like crap, but perhaps it was partly his fault too, for letting her think that it was ok to treat people like that, that he would stay despite that. It's been twelve years, for better or for worse - time hasn't stood still for either of them, and it's time they've both wasted on being unhappy.

"You need me, baby," Camille says cajolingly. "We're good together."

"No, I don't think we were at all," Magnus says. "We were terrible for each other. And I'm sorry that it took me so long to work up the courage to do this."

He kisses her on the forehead, for old times' sake, for the love he once had for her, and when he steps back he sees that she's trying not to cry. "It's time we let each other go. Let me know, about the apartment," he says, and walks away. 

 

 

There's still time to spare when he gets back to the studio, so Magnus does a bit of tidying up. It really isn't much - he's still sort of living out of his luggage bags, but he bought a cheap chest of drawers from IKEA last week, so he clears out the top drawer for Alec. He puts on new sheets for the mattress and tries not to think about how they're going to have to try to squeeze on that tiny thing - but it's summer, and the night is warm enough that he could put a blanket on the floor and sleep there, just for tonight. He kills a few roaches in the bathroom, gives it up as a bad job, and sprays half a can of insecticide in their general direction in hopes that it'll keep them at bay tonight. Honestly, he wouldn't blame Alec if he walked in and walked right back out. 

Ten o'clock comes and goes, with no sign of Alec. Magnus checks his phone what feels like once every minute, straining his ears to hear footsteps on the stairs, and leaning against the glass of the window with his eyes on the street outside, but an hour later there's still no sign of Alec.

Perhaps he's got cold feet, Magnus thinks, and he wouldn't blame Alec. As if coming out to a homophobic, verbally-abusive parent and essentially leaving the only home he's ever known isn't hard enough, Robert Lightwood is also Alec's boss and the only family he has in New York. From what Magnus has heard of Alec's mum, she was busy but affectionate; but Alec thinks he broke her heart when he chose Robert over her. (Magnus thinks that's a nonsense reason not to even try to contact your own child for six years, and if this was one of those bad Spanish soap operas on TV, Magnus would suspect foul play from Robert Lightwood.)

But he's sure Alec would have tried to let him know if he wasn't coming, and Magnus kind of doesn't want to be alone right now after the whole thing with Camille. So when midnight rolls around, Magnus gets in his car and heads to Alec's place. 

Alec lives on the top floor apartment of a three-storey brownstone in Upper East Side. There is glass on the sidewalk in front, and when Magnus looks up he notices the broken window in the dark apartment on the top floor. His heart is beating so fast that all he can hear is the pounding blood in his veins. He runs up the curving staircase, and finds the front door barred by yellow police tape.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Take me out tonight_   
>  _Oh, take me anywhere, I don't care_   
>  _I don't care, I don't care_   
>  _Driving in your car_   
>  _I never never want to go home_   
>  _Because I haven't got one_   
>  _Oh, I haven't got one_

 

 

This can't be happening. Magnus must have gotten the wrong house, something. There's no name at the door, but when he runs downstairs to check the mailboxes, it's there, clear as day - 'Lightwood'.

Despite the late hour, he runs back up to the second storey to bang on Alec's neighbour's door. It takes an eternity for someone to answer, and Magnus is about to try the building next door when the door opens. 

"What do you want?" the sour-faced woman who opens the door asks sharply. 

"What happened upstairs? To the Lightwoods?"

She looks Magnus up and down, taking in his clothes, smudged make-up, nail polish, and jewellery, and Magnus feels thoroughly judged. But she eventually replies, "They had a fight. Robert was calling his son some very nasty things. I called the police when I heard the gunshot and the breaking glass."

_Gunshot?_

"Alec?" Magnus whispers, already fearing the worst. 

"He's alive," she reassures him quickly. "I caught a glimpse of him when they took him away in the ambulance, but I'm afraid I don't know anything more."

"Do you know which hospital they took him to?" 

"I don't know, but the nearest hospital is Bellevue," she says, and she looks almost sorry for him.

Magnus nods and forgets to thank her until he's already on the sidewalk, standing there in a daze. His mind is filled with roaring static and a thousand horrible scenarios. He needs to get to the hospital as soon as possible, and he can't drive right now, can't even think of where the hospital is. But the thought of taking a cab and having to come back here to get his car, back to this sidewalk littered with broken window glass from Alec's apartment and all the nightmare images of how everything has gone wrong within a few hours, is too much to take. He staggers to his car and gets in, then closes his eyes, focusing on his own breathing. Even if Alec is really at Bellevue, will Magnus be allowed to see him, since he's part of a police investigation? Magnus is not family, not a significant other. He's nothing to Alec, not officially or even unofficially - just an almost, a maybe.

But with Robert presumably out of the picture, he's all Alec's got now. He digs out a cigarette and lights it with jittery hands, rolls down the window to let the smoke out, and gets the car in gear. 

 

 

The hospital lobby is surprisingly busy at this hour; anxious faces and harried nurses, wheelchairs being rolled around, and shoes squeaking on streaked dark tiles. There is a tense hush, everyone keeping their voices low in whispered conversations, and the bright white light makes Magnus squint. He gets his number and waits to speak to someone, but other than a confirmation that Alec has been sent here, they tell him there's nothing more they are allowed to say.  

Except that Magnus does know someone who works here: Catarina, who's been his friend since they were in middle school. Who _was_ his friend, until Camille threw a jealous hissy fit the one time he went to see a play with Catarina because Camille hadn't been interested.

Magnus hates to have to do this, but he's all out of ideas. He can't sit at home desperately keeping an eye on the TV and an ear on the radio for news, waiting to learn of what happened to Alexander through the crisp professional tones of a newscaster, if that. (Alec can't be the only person in New York City with a shitty parent and a sad story turned tragedy, and there aren't hours enough in the day for the news to talk about broken people fallen through the cracks.) If Catarina is on shift, she'll be too busy to answer; if she's not, she's probably catching some well-deserved rest. She might not even respond at all, since it's been at least a couple of years since they've spoken. He sends her a message, then resigns himself to spending the rest of the night in limbo on one of the narrow, pale pink chairs in the waiting area, shifting uncomfortably on too-stiff cushions and trying not to feel trapped by the wooden armrests. 

The vibration of his phone in his pocket makes him jump, and he picks up the call after checking the number. 

"Magnus!" Catarina's voice over the line is warm, pleased. "How have you been?" 

"Been better," he replies with a hollow laugh.

"What happened?" she asks, immediately concerned.

Years of silence, and the first thing he does when he gets in touch is to ask for a favour. God, he's a terrible friend. "There's a patient, who's just been admitted..."

As it turns out, Catarina is on shift. She's on break for ten minutes, so she comes down to meet him, but when she tries to hug him he holds up his hands to stop her.

"I was smoking on the way here," he admits.

She snorts and hugs him anyway. "I'll change into my spare scrubs later before I go back to my rounds. Now tell me more about what happened to this friend of yours."

She listens patiently while Magnus tells her what little he knows of the situation, nodding and asking for clarification in places, although those are questions he mostly can't answer. 

"I don't think you'll be able to see him tonight," she tells him gently. "But I can sneak a peek at his file and tell you how he's doing?"

"Will it get you into trouble? I don't want to get you into trouble."

"Being Head Nurse has its perks," she says with a smile, then grows serious. "This boy... do I need to squirrel you somewhere so Camille can't find you?"

"I broke up with Camille. For good, this time."

Magnus expects her to congratulate him on finally growing a pair, but instead Catarina says, "Oh, Magnus. That can't be easy." She even sounds sympathetic.

"You hated her," Magnus points out.

"But you didn't. You actually loved her, and you loved her for a long time," Catarina says.

"I'm ok, at least where Camille is concerned," Magnus says with a slightly watery smile, and discreetly wipes the corner of his eyes so it doesn't muss up his eyeliner even further. He doesn't deserve Catarina, but somehow he still has her friendship - he was a fool to ever give any of his friends up for Camille.

"Is this boy the reason for it?" Catarina asks. 

"No, it ended before Alexander and I were anything," Magnus says. "I left her for me."

Catarina smiles. "That's good. Now hang on tight, and I'll let you know how he is." 

Fifteen minutes later, Magnus finds out through Catarina that Alec is awake now but slightly disorientated, has a fractured skull, and is being kept for observation in case his condition gets worse, but isn't in any immediate danger. Magnus won't be allowed to see him because the the police haven't had a chance to take Alec's statement, and anyway that's not going to happen until Alec is assigned a defence attorney. The tight knot in his chest loosens, knowing things aren't as bad as he feared, but it's been replaced by a burning hatred for Robert Lightwood - because Catarina also tells him that even after the police are done, Alec might not be allowed visitors for a while because he's been placed in the psych ward for a suspected psychotic break. Apparently the story Robert is selling is that Alec went crazy and attacked him, and he almost put his own son in a coma in self-defence. As if Robert Lightwood would still be standing if his MMA-trained tree of a son really wanted to hurt him! 

_Alec says to tell you that he's fine, not to worry, and that you should go home and sleep,_ she texts him. Of course Alec would say that.

_Please tell him I'll be back soon,_ Magnus replies, and gets out of the crappy hospital chair, trying to stretch out the crick that's already started up in his back. It's going to be a bitch to have to sleep in this chair later after he's done with the things he needs to do, but it's a small price to pay.

He checks up the address of that Indian restaurant that Ragnor is partial to as he walks to the car. Looks like today is going to be all about shamelessly begging old friends for favours, because it's time find out if he can still bribe Ragnor with _dosas_ to get him to recommend a good, cheap lawyer for Alec. It's lucky he's got a thick hide.

 

 

Magnus only gets to see Alec two days later. They're letting him go home tomorrow, but Magnus doesn't want to wait another 24 hours to see Alec. The ordeal isn't over yet - Alec is going to have to face Robert in court, and relive the whole nightmare of being brutally beaten up and almost shot at by his own father. But Raphael - Ragnor's protégé, a serious, quiet young man who has agreed to defend Alec pro bono - says their chances are good since the neighbour was forthcoming in her witness report. 

They've put Alec in the cheapest ward, a two-bedder, and the wards are depressingly always full. Alec looks up when Magnus comes in, forcing out a smile, and Magnus' heart breaks all over again. 

Even at his lowest, Alec has always been a fighter; but the fight has all gone out of him. It's not just the way he seems even paler than usual, his dark hair stark against the rough over-bleached hospital sheets, the purpling bruises all over his face, or his injured hand lying limp on the bed, fingers shot through with metal braces in places where the bone broke. He can barely hold eye contact with Magnus, mind too preoccupied with something far off, unreachable.

Magnus doesn't really know the details of what happened between Alec and his father yet. Raphael has been tight-lipped to protect the interests of his client, and Magnus respects that - it's Alec's decision whether he wants to talk about it, anyway. And the crowded ward just isn't the right place for a conversation like that, the flimsy privacy curtains no more than a farce.

Magnus sits on the hard plastic chair next to the bed. The visitor for the patient in the bed next to Alec's is watching a daytime soap opera with the volume turned low while the patient snores. Some machine is beeping softly, and outside the room, shoes and trolley wheels squeak on the linoleum. It's never completely quiet in the hospital, not with so many people around constantly, but all Magnus really hears is Alec's blank silence.

Magnus takes Alec's good hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. Alec's gaze flickers to Magnus' face for a few seconds; another wane smile, and then he's gone again.

 

 

Alec's silence continues through the next day; through quietly allowing Magnus to help him get dressed, through an uneventful drive, through the laborious climb up to Magnus studio, the stairs too narrow to comfortably accommodate two broad men walking side by side. He doesn't even say anything when Magnus tells him where he can put his stuff, but he catches sight of the brand new foldaway queen-sized bed. 

Alec frowns. "Didn't you say you were on a budget because you have a rent payment coming up?" 

Magnus hums and nods. "But you needed a proper bed, at least until you recover." 

Alec looks horrified. "What? Magnus, you don't have to do all this for me - the lawyer, and now this-"

"It's ok, Alexander. I'll think of something else," Magnus assures him, but Alec just shakes his head, walking backwards towards the door.

For a moment, Magnus is worried that Alec is going to run off, but his injuries get the better of him, and Alec staggers against the doorframe, wincing. He doesn't have a chair, so Magnus helps Alec to sit down on the floor. 

"It'll be ok," Magnus repeats with conviction, and for once in a long while he's pleasantly surprised to find that he's not just saying it. After all, he's got Catarina now, and Ragnor, and it makes a world of difference, knowing that you're not alone. And maybe Alec would feel a lot better too, if he had more than just Magnus to lean on for support. He hesitates, the question that has been bothering him since he found out the extent of Robert Lightwood's abuse on the tip of his tongue, then decides to go for it. "Have you thought about getting in touch with your mother?" he asks Alec gently.

He's expecting to have to convince Alec not to underestimate a mother's love, that he's sure Alec's mother would want to hear from him after all he's been through. He isn't expecting Alec to gasp sharply, then start sucking in shaky breaths, like he's trying not to cry.

"Alexander? What's wrong?" 

"She's dead," Alec chokes out, face crumpling. "She died years ago, and I never knew. I d-didn't even go to the f-f-funeral..."

"Oh, darling," Magnus murmurs, and puts his arms around Alec. 

Alec buries his face in Magnus' shoulder to muffle his ragged sobs. Even now Alec is trying to stay quiet, but his whole body shudders in Magnus' arms, racked with the effort of it, and his tears are seeping through the thin material of Magnus' shirt. Alec's arms come up around Magnus, clinging desperately and pulling him closer until Magnus can hardly breathe, the fingers of his good hand digging into Magnus' back hard enough to bruise as Alec struggles to hold himself in. 

Between stifled sobs and stumbling words, Magnus gets pieces of the whole picture from Alec. A car accident six years ago, claiming the lives of his mother and younger brother. Alec's resignation letter, and Alec trying to walk out of the house. Everything coming to a head when he'd been confronted by Robert, all the secrets coming out into the open. Then having to look down the cold dark tunnel of the muzzle of a gun wielded by his own father. 

"That's why Izzy hates me. She thinks I didn't care," Alec says dully when he's finally cried himself empty. 

"You didn't know," Magnus corrects him. Alec wipes his nose with the back of his hand and doesn't answer. 

Magnus cups Alec's face, waiting patiently until Alec finally looks up to meet his eyes. "It'll get better, Alexander," he says. 

"How?" Alec whispers back. 

"I don't know yet, but we'll figure it out together," Magnus says. "It'll get better."

Because all it takes is one person in your life to believe that you can be strong enough to get back on your feet, and it might actually come true. And this time it's Magnus' turn to believe.

 

 


	6. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Oh, there is a light_   
>  _And it never goes out_

 

   

 

The music stops just as Alec reaches the top of the stairs; Magnus' class must be just ending. The light in the dingy stairwell flickers above his head, and he frowns at it, making a mental note to write another scathing letter to Magnus' - _their_ \- smarmy landlord, Victor Aldertree. Alec's written a lot of letters to Aldertree over the past few months, and it's almost therapeutic, couching pointed words and veiled threats in stiff professional language. Dr Carstairs, his psychotherapist, thinks it's been good for him, and at any rate they're finally rid of the roaches.

He opens the door to the studio just as Magnus is thanking his students and they're all giving Magnus a round of applause. Magnus bows with a flourish, then looks up at the sound of the door and beams at him.

"Hi big brother." 

Alec startles, so focussed on Magnus that he didn't even see Izzy at first. "Hey," he says, and gives her an awkward hug. He smiles at Catarina, too, and she smiles back.

It shouldn't have caught him by surprise, he'd known Izzy and Cat had class with Magnus today. It had been slightly terrifying when his sister had moved back to New York for her doctorate, and hit it off with Magnus, then Catarina, almost immediately - terrifying because things almost never went well for Alec, and he was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it had been eight months since Robert Lightwood had been sentenced to five years for attempted second degree murder after a year-long trial, and Alec was tentatively optimistic that he'd finally put that behind him.

One step at a time, Dr Carstairs had reminded him. Count all the good things in your life. 

Izzy. Catarina. Raphael. Ragnor. Dr Carstairs, even. Then of course there's Magnus.

"How was the job interview?" Catarina asks from the lockers.

"Ok, I guess," Alec says with a shrug. 

"Are we still on for meeting Jace for lunch tomorrow?" Izzy asks, joining Cat to pick up her bags.

"He hasn't messaged me to cancel. Yet."

Izzy shakes her head in exasperation. "If he cancels on us one more time, I will find out where he lives and kick his ass."

Alec doesn't try to defend Jace to Izzy, because she'd just say he's babying Jace. It's hard, he knows the fear and shame of it in a way Izzy doesn't, and he has no idea what kind of support systems Jace has. Besides, Jace was the one who put aside his pride to reach out to Alec first. The least Alec can do is be patient, and brave enough to keep saying 'yes' even though the memories still hurt.

But he's rescued from having to respond to Izzy because Magnus comes up right next to him and takes his hand, squeezing it briefly. Alec knows Magnus would prefer to kiss him in greeting, but some days it's still hard for Alec to get past the fear of being seen being affectionate in public with a man, even in the safety and semi-privacy of Magnus' studio. Today, Alec very determinedly grabs Magnus' hand before he can let go, and pulls him a little closer so he can kiss Magnus firmly on the lips. Magnus' lips part in surprise, and Alec kisses him a little deeper; because Magnus deserves to be loved, because Alec deserves to kiss the man he loves wherever and whenever.

Someone wolf whistles - probably Izzy. He feels Magnus' hand leave his waist to wave them away, and hears Cat's amused chuckle and Izzy's bright laughter as they walk out and shut the door behind them.

When Alec steps back, his heart is pounding with adrenaline, but the pleased little smile on Magnus' face makes it all worthwhile. In hindsight, Alec should have known what was coming after that, because whenever Magnus is happy, he wants to dance. 

"Dance with me, Alexander."

Ever since Magnus let slip that Camille usually said 'no' when Magnus asked her to dance, Alec has promised himself that he will say 'yes' every time. He takes off his suit jacket and tie, loosens the top button of his shirt, then steps forward to take Magnus' hand.

He'll never be as graceful as Magnus, but at least he's no longer stepping on Magnus' toes. He's also expanded his repertoire somewhat - now, he can shuffle through a salsa in addition to a waltz. The waltz is by far his favourite - holding his arms out stiffly and just following Magnus' lead is easy enough. They twirl a few times around the room in strict three-four time until Alec is starting to get dizzy. 

 

 

They turn the lights off, lock up, and go up to their apartment a few floors up, a small place they're renting with Alec's meagre savings and the money Magnus got back from Camille. Chairman Meow greets them at the front door, winding through their legs and butting his head against Alec's face in affection while Alec fills his food bowl in the tiny kitchen. Alec is just straightening up when he catches the glint of mischief in Magnus' eyes. He barely gets a chance to set everything down before Magnus is waltzing them towards the bedroom. 

It's harder to dance in here without bumping into the furniture, but somehow Magnus guides them through it. Magnus twirls him outwards; the back of Alec's knees hit the side of the bed, and he sits down a little clumsily, but he doesn't let go of Magnus. He tugs lightly on Magnus' hand, and Magnus comes spinning towards him, landing neatly in his lap with a bright burst of laughter. 

"Hey," Alec says, placing a soft kiss on Magnus' lips. 

"Hey yourself," Magnus replies, and kisses Alec back. 

A fire is lit in Alec, slowly kindling as the kiss grows deeper. Magnus straddles him, kissing him hard while he works on the buttons of Alec's shirt, breaking off only so Alec can pull Magnus' shirt over his head. They have a bit of a mishap when Alec's pants get stuck around his ankles because he forgot to take his shoes off first, and Magnus laughs at his half-hearted grumbling as he distracts Alec from untangling himself with kisses all down his neck and back.

It caught Alec by surprise the first time, and every time thereafter, that sex could be like this: that it could be playful, that it could be silly and messy, that having sex with the same person only gets better every time as they learn more about what makes each other feel good. 

When they've both finally gotten free of their clothes, Magnus gets Alec on his back. Alec needs to be able to see Magnus' face during sex, but Magnus doesn't seem to mind how that restricts their sex life. In fact, he rather seems to enjoy the challenge of working around it. He moves down Alec's body, peppering him with kisses until he reaches Alec's cock, and oh god it's incredible, _Magnus_ is incredible - he knows exactly how to use his tongue, using the tip of it to rub at a spot just under the head of Alec's cock that he didn't even knew existed before he met Magnus.

Alec arches up into the pleasure, just as Magnus slides a lubed finger into him, and Alec can't stifle the moan that draws out of him. Magnus keeps it up relentlessly, sucking and licking Alec's cock to distract him from the slight burn of his fingers twisting and scissoring him open, and if it weren't for the anxiety and anticipation of what's coming next, he'd probably be coming already. He grunts in disappointment when Magnus pulls away. 

"I'm still here, I've got you," Magnus murmurs, moving up Alec's body and kissing his way up his abs, chest, and neck until he finally reaches Alec's lips.

Then Magnus takes his own cock in hand, and Alec feels the slight pressure of it rubbing at his entrance. He's prepared himself for it, but still a sharp flash of panic goes through him when Magnus breaches the tight ring of muscle and pushes into his body. 

Magnus runs his hand down Alec's suddenly tense arm soothingly. "I love you."

"I love you too," Alec pants out as he struggles to relax and let go of old fears, and let more of Magnus in. 

Alec's dreamt of this for so long, being intimate with someone he cares for and someone who cares for him. Someone with whom sex isn't a physical thing but a spiritual connection, someone who loves him - and as it turns out, the reality is even better than the dream. 

Because he could never have dreamt up someone like Magnus. Someone so beautiful inside and out, someone so generous and patient with all of Alec's old wounds and the sharp edges of his broken pieces. 

Magnus kisses Alec and gradually works himself in, thrusting a little deeper each time as Alec unlocks the tension in his body. Alec takes a deep breath and lets go, and the last few inches of Magnus' cock slide into him easily.

"Is this ok?" Magnus asks, voice strained.

"It's good," Alec assures him, tilting his hips up in silent invitation. 

He feels Magnus pulling out, a long, slow glide of hard flesh dragging inside him; then with a snap of his hips, Magnus thrusts all the way back in, and Alec cries out in pleasure. 

Magnus is all hard muscle and sweat-slicked skin as he fucks Alec with deliberate, unhurried strokes, and Alec pushes back, rolling his hips into every thrust. His cock is trapped between their bodies, smearing precome over their abs, and every time Magnus presses into him Alec feels the slick glide of Magnus' body rubbing against his cock.  

Then Magnus hitches one of Alec's legs up over his shoulder, and Alec gasps when Magnus finds his prostate. He spreads his legs wider, trying to take Magnus even deeper, feeling like he's unravelling with each thrust. 

"Magnus, Magnus... Feels so good," Alec babbles, and Magnus lets out a pleasured groan in reply. 

Already Magnus movements are off-sync and increasingly uncoordinated, breathing hard from the pleasure of losing himself in Alec's tight heat. He fucks Alec harder, faster; fucks all coherent thought out of Alec until all that is left is pure sensation, until all Alec can do is let Magnus fill him over and over again.  

Alec feels Magnus stiffen against him, and moans helplessly when Magnus pushes himself into Alec, as deep as he can go, stretching Alec's rim wide against the base of his cock. 

"Alexander, I-"

He feels the shudder that goes through Magnus' whole body, and then Magnus is coming inside him, hot and wet and against everything that Alec has ever allowed himself before he had Magnus. Magnus keeps rocking into him, gasping and moaning into the crook of Alec's neck as he grinds the head of his cock into Alec's prostate, and Alec lets the wave of pleasure take him over the edge. He throws his head back, crying out Magnus' name as he spills his release between them, and all the time Magnus is murmuring praise and endearments in his ear: _'You're beautiful'_ , _'I'm so lucky'_ , and _'I love you'._

Even with his mind still fuzzy from his orgasm, and breathing hard to try to get the oxygen and blood back into his brain, Alec wants to protest. He's not beautiful, it's Magnus who's beautiful. Alec's the lucky one. But that he is loved, broken pieces and all - yes, that he knows. 

Count all the good things in your life. Izzy. Catarina. Raphael. Ragnor. Dr Carstairs. Maybe Jace, in time. Then of course Magnus, always Magnus. 

And lying here in Magnus' arms, in the home they're just beginning to make together, Alec lets himself start to hope. 

 

 

  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End :)
> 
> Thanks for reading and sorry for the slow updates and cliffhanger on Chapter 4 _*runs and hides*_
> 
> Come find me on tumblr @la-muerta or twitter @tethysea if that's your thing. Until next time, XOXO.


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